![]() I could have seen the image of the skeleton and said, “you know, this is some dark shit. Who needs a soul? It probably won’t happen.” That seems like a really unhealthy decision, looking back. ![]() How crazy is that? Like, in my brain, I saw that our relationship ended with me being this sucked-dry, curled up skeleton, and I was like, “you know, it’s fine. And then the trip ended, and I pushed the image of the skeleton from my mind and went back to telling myself that I was happy. Then he started getting all paranoid about this person on a lawnmower, which filtered into what was going on with me, and I watched a movie of our relationship in my head, and in the end my soul was sucked from me and all that was left was my skeleton. And just for extra measure, we decided to eat a lot of them.Īt first we were laying in the grass watching the clouds, and I was off in my own little world surrounded by cute animals and fairies. In the midst of this, we decided that it would be a really good idea to spend some one-on-one time together in the park and eat some mushrooms (not the healthy, good-for-you kind, but the we’re-going-on-an-adventure, who-knows-what-will-happen kind). It shattered our relationship, and we never recovered. It was also the fact that I’d said it to other people after he told me not to. Then it wasn’t just the thing I originally said that was the problem. I had no idea how to handle it. So I told someone. I could tell he hated me for what I said yet still loved me. He’d go into this sort of trance where he’d be totally absent for several seconds or minutes. Weird things started happening, like he would start saying words that weren’t real words and made no sense. He told me not to tell anyone what was going on. He’d grill me for hours and hours and hours trying to sort out exactly what I had meant. It was about a year into our relationship. And then I just let go and let him fall.īut back to the thing I said that got under his skin and ruined everything. We were determined to force something broken to work. Instead of letting the relationship unravel, we both held on tighter and tighter. Something I said got under his skin, and it never ceased to be an issue in our relationship. We had fallen in love exploring New England together, soaking in breathtaking sunrises and sunsets, riding our bikes to bars to drink beer and eat greasy pizza, having coffee and mimosas on the porch with my roommates, listening to live music and sharing vomit-worthy smiles across the table at each other. My boyfriend and I were tripping on mushrooms in the arboretum. I was in law school in Boston in my late twenties. How did this happen? Why did this happen? I keep going back to this one moment in time when I saw the darkness ahead, and I chose to walk toward it. Instead I’m fearful, afraid, and immobilized. I saw beauty in the world, and I was excited by endless possibilities. I used to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I shut my eyes and shut out the world back inside my coffin. Other times something beautiful catches my eye, and I can’t close my eyes because I am too busy appreciating the beauty and magic around me. Sometimes the world is too bright and I crawl immediately back inside again. I peak back out through my eyes at the world, like I’m waking up from hibernation. ![]() Every once in a while I forget that I’m dead. My body is a coffin, and the person I used to be is just rotting away inside, slowly being devoured by predators and scavengers and things too small to see. Okay, I’m losing focus. It was a metaphor guys. I guess I could be a zombie, but ZOMBIES AREN’T REAL! (If you say it loud enough, it makes it true). And if I were a ghost, I don’t think I’d be able to type cause my fingers would go right through the keyboard. Not fully true, obviously, since I’m currently writing this post, and I’m not a ghost. I know that may sound crazy, but it’s kinda true. “Anything dead coming back to life hurts.” – Toni Morrison
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